Saturday, March 05, 2005

Blog words

I've just been browsing through blogs, and I have some questions.

1. Why are so many people searching for their identity? I always keep mine in my wallet, but I'm hardly ever asked for it anyway. Is it really that important?

2. Why are so many of you just? Just a mother. Just another 18-year-old sex-crazed student. How come you think so little of yourself, but then expect us to be interested in what you say?

3. Why is your blog full of random thoughts? Are they really random? How do you know? Also, why do you want to rant and rave? I found somebody who ruminated, so perhaps we are collectively reaching the end of the R section of the dictionary. Also, quite a few of you muse. I guess yours were earlier blogs and you hadn't got to the Rs yet.

Some of you write very well, I should add. I don't notice anything particularly random (except for the occasional spelling). You do not rant, rave, muse, or ruminate. Why do you claim that you do? I don't get it.

4. Why are so many of your lives insane, crazy, lunatic or at least not normal. Why? You even seem proud of it. What's wrong with being normal, like me?

5. Also, why do you need to vent? Do you have a malfunctioning valve?

6. If you must insist on telling me all about everything you did today (and don't warn me in advance that it was boring so that I can stop reading) at least try to make it a good read. Today I read something like this:

This morning I overslept the alarm by 5 minutes and got up in a hurry and had breakfast. While I was eating breakfast, the dog farted. Oh, gross. Then I had a shower and changed my clothes...

Stop right there. Let me show you how it's done.

This morning at breakfast time the dog farted. He was standing with his bum up against the gas stove and the resulting explosion took out most of the kitchen. I was not hurt aside from ending up with my head wedged in the cookie jar.

This did not actually happen, you understand, but it could have, if we had a gas stove. As it was we merely had to evacuate the kitchen.

And that's enough, really. You do not need to write about the rest of your day, especially as you say at the end of your one very, very long paragraph that it was boring. (That should have been at the beginning, by the way.) You could even skip the second paragraph. On the Internet nobody knows you're lying, and at least you'll make us laugh. (On the Internet everybody laughs at other people's horrible accidents.)

Speaking of farts, this morning at sparrowfart I asked The Man whether he thought sparrows do actually fart. He looked at me for a moment and closed his eyes.

"Fuck off," he mumbled.

I gathered that he wasn't quite ready to wake up yet.

The other day we were talking about swearing in another language and how it never feels quite as bad as swearing in your own language. We also talked about how in the movies people swear all the time, and, I'm told, in real life, too. (I do not swear, of course, and I do not associate with people who do.)(Well, maybe a few of them do, but only sometimes.)(And maybe I do too, but only sometimes.) I told him that I thought it was silly to swear all the time, because if you say "Fuck off" every time you really just mean "Can we talk later?" eventually it starts meaning, "Can we talk later?" and loses its shock value.

The Man looked interested. "Really?" he said, and decided to experiment with this idea.

As I drifted back to sleep this morning I reflected that in a very short while his experiment is going to stop being funny.

I had a boring day today. Nothing much happened.


Malin said...

Thank you for a very entertaining post! ;D You brought up some really good points there ;)

Paula said...

Yah, funny post. IMO, some of the proliferation of "random rants by just me" type wording is due to a desire to try to persuade one's audience that the blogging experience isn't important to the author. S/he wants the readers to think there is a way exciting life going on and the blog means nothing, really, just a few quick scribbles. "I don't care who reads this, probably no one does, and bloggers who care about how many readers they have are idiots with no lives. Unlike me, of course, who posts twelve times a day about how stupid other bloggers are for caring about their blogs."

I have seen several variations of this and it cracks me the hell up!

tinyhands said...

An excellent "random ranting against those who claim to randomly rant" posting. Well done.

mrsmogul said...

Hee yeah I agree. Though I admit in my description I say I am trying to keep sane (BUT THAT IS TRUE! I AM!!)

I think it's weird when people have messy blogs...and when they write poetry that's 5000 words!!

pete said...

Very funny! And true. I'll have to admit, I am guilty of few of these myself! Although I don't claim to be insane, crazy, lunatic, etc. In fact, I AM ridiculously normal (and as a consequence, equally boring!) Or maybe it is THEY who are normal, and I am the oddity!


Faith said...

Great post!

Jen said...

Bravo! So true. Though I am definitely guilty! I will try to be better next time!

Mel said...

I especially love the part about curse words losing their power. I vented, ranted and raved randomly about that myself. ;)

E.P. said...

ROTFL, the way you rewrote the dog's, er, biochemical warfare inclinations! But you see, that was classically GoodAuntesque, yet most of the bloggers simply lack the talent of one insanely hilarious Aussie ESL teacher in Japan.

It's like I told you in one of my earlier comments here: you have an inimitable knack for rendering the most mundane topic riveting to read about (in my travels thru HowToWriteLand, that is what qualifies as the true writer; opined those books, "There's no such thing as a boring topic, only boring writers").

What I keep wondering about is ***HOW*** did a person who grew up in a cult end up with such a SCRUMPTIOUS sense of humor? I do believe it proves that nature is stronger than nurture. (What thinkest thou, Ma'am?)

And just so you know, whenever I go online, once I finish my emails, your blog is the very first place I scurry to in Cyberia (sometimes, I even skip the emails and sprint over here post haste!).

You really need to write some books; you are the Erma Bombeck from Oz. (And since she's no longer around, you have no competition, woman!) :)

Rohit said...

Your rumination is quite astute ;)

Badaunt said...

Australian? AUSTRALIAN? Wash your mouth out with soap!

Re the sense of humour question: It's cheaper than therapy, and less boring.

Anonymous said...

I've wondered the same things that you have. Why be like everyone else and say the exact same things? I take it that we have all seen enough blogs to notice patterns?

Love the story about the dog farts! A good writer can make the most mundane thing seem exciting. ;^)

E.P. said...

>>>AUSTRALIAN??????<<<< Oh, shucks, darn! [bowing profusely, Japanese style] GoodAunt, I just always fuse NZ and Australia in my mind (you know, kinda like Hawaii is part of the US?). Many apologies, and I will try my utmost to improve my geography skills. :) (Can't waste soap on mouth; stood in corner instead, but didn't do much good, bec. had to laff whole time, thinking about your humor.)