Monday, February 20, 2006


There was a crisis down at the river yesterday. Cat had lost his tail. All he had left was a pathetic stump.

He climbed up onto the bridge to address the citizens of the river.

"Life without a tail is meaningless!" he cried.

Everybody was shocked.

"He's going to jump!" shouted a heron.

"No, I'm not," said Cat. "I'm not stupid. I just want my tail back. Somebody took it."

"Why should we care?" asked the heron.

"Because if I don't get my tail back I'll have you for breakfast," said Cat. "HA HA HA!"

"IT'S AN EMERGENCY!" shouted the heron. "LET US PRAY!"

He called a prayer meeting.

Two birds participated from the middle of the river.

"You're supposed to be bowing your head," hissed the front bird.

"I can pray in an upright position," said the other. "The Great Bird in the Sky doesn't mind."


"Does not!"

"Does so!"

"Does not!"

One other heron stood off alone, apart from the other birds.

"Aren't you going to go to church?" I asked.

"No. I've been excommunicated," said the heron. "I'm a Buddhist."

"Oh. Are you going to hunt for Cat's tail?"

"SHHH! I'm meditating!" said the heron. "All is One, and Cat's tail is a part of the All. Or ... no, hold on ... All is Nothing, and Cat's tail is part of Nothing. Nothing has a tail. No, wait ... tails are All!"

He paused.

"You're confusing me. Go away."

"Sorry," I said.

"I can't empty my mind with you around. OMNE PADME HUMMMMM."

The egret called a duck meeting.

"We'll split up," she said, bossily "You go that way, and you lot go that way over there, and you go up on the bank and check it out, and I'll wait here and you can all report back to me in half an hour."

I overheard two of the ducks complaining as they waddled off.

"How come we always have to do all the work?" grumbled the drake. "She just stands there and looks good, and thinks that's enough."

"Someone has to be the leader," explained his wife. "Otherwise we'd be all over the place."

"We're all over the place anyway," said the drake.

They joined some other ducks, who were hunting frantically.

"Aren't you going to pray?" I asked.

"We're atheists," said the ducks. "We'll look for the tail, and we'll believe it when we see it."

"I don't think you'll find it here," I said.

"What do you know?" they said. "And how come you're not helping? That guy over there is helping. You're just criticizing and taking pictures."

"Sorry," I said. "He doesn't seem to be helping much, though. All he's found is a bicycle wheel."

"So? It's better than nothing!" said the ducks. "Cat might be happy with a bicycle wheel instead of a tail. Think how useful a bicycle wheel could be!"

"How useful could it be?" I asked, puzzled.

"You should know," said the ducks. "You don't have a tail, do you? And you have TWO bicycle wheels."

While everybody was hunting, Cat had disappeared inside the bridge. Crow, who was checking under the bridge, emerged from the other side - and there was Cat!

Crow did a double-take.


"Oh, yeah," said Cat. "Er, so it did."

Cries of rejoicing echoed over the river.



"Idiot! You're supposed to be giving a prayer of thanksgiving! Bow your head and close your wings!"

"I can pray with my wings spread and my head up. The Great Bird in the Sky doesn't care."

"Does so!"

"Does not!"

"Does so!"

"Does not!"

"OOOOOHHMMMMMM. Cat is One with Tail. I KNEW I'd get it right eventually."

"Damn," said Cat. "Who put my tail back? I was just getting used to life without it. AND I was looking forward to breakfast."

He looked thoughtful.

"I wonder if I could get away with just a LITTLE heron?"


Cheryl said...

Love it!

kenju said...

I love it too!

Megan said...


Wendy said...

The birdy prayer meeting piccie and caption is my fave...followed by the 2 birds hissing at each other to bow their heads....marvellous, again.

Kay said...

Of this bloggie-winning blogs are made!!! Made my day!

Cheryl said...

I can't help thinking this is one ready made children's book.....

Radioactive Jam said...

Quite an amazing tale.

(someone had to say it)

Potentilla said...

Any thoughts, badaunt?

Lippy said...

Good Lord, woman! You've completely outdone yourself with this hilarious tail... ;-)

Leon said...

Thumbs up on the post. You have a great sense of humour.