Wednesday, February 01, 2006


The Man told me yesterday that he might have something interesting to tell me about but he can't tell me yet because he isn't sure, so for now it's a secret.

Will he never learn? He knows what happened the last time he did this. He got a horrible surprise.

It went like this.

The Man talks in his sleep. (He also giggles, argues, shouts, and occasionally sings, but that's not relevant to this story.) Sometimes when he talks in his sleep he's quite coherent, and a few days after he'd told me he had a secret last time, he was talking quite sensibly in his sleep one night and I had a brilliant idea. I decided to interrogate him. It seemed a perfectly sensible idea at the time.

So I leaned over him and said, quietly and persuasively,

"What's the secret? Tell me what the secret is..."

His response was mumbled and not very loud. I couldn't hear him clearly, so I put my face closer to his and said it again, very, very quietly so as not to wake him up:

"Come on, tell me your secret. It's all right. You can tell me. What's it all about, eh?"

I leaned over him and stared very closely at his face, concentrating so I wouldn't miss anything. But then suddenly, shockingly, he woke up. My face was only a few centimetres from his and he stared straight into my eyes with an expression of utter terror and screamed. VERY LOUDLY. This caused me to scream, too, and the next thing we were both sitting up in bed, staring at each other and screaming and screaming and screaming. It was altogether a horrifying experience. One minute he was lying there mumbling peacefully and the next he was bellowing in my face. It was ELECTRIFYING.

Eventually we stopped screaming, and he clutched his chest and shouted,

"WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING?" and I shouted back,

"NOTHING!" which was not true at all, but I didn't want to admit that I'd been interrogating him, especially since it hadn't worked. But I couldn't think of a good excuse to be leaning over him with my face so close and staring at him, so eventually I confessed.

It took him a few days to see the funny side.

I reminded him of this today, hoping the awful memory would prompt him to tell me his secret. I mean, who wants to go through that again? It didn't work, though. I guess he must have realized that I'm just as reluctant to repeat the experience as he is.

I'll just have to wait.


Ms Mac said...

Oh my dear! That is the funniest thing I have read for a long, long time!


Radioactive Jam said...

This should help me avoid a similar fate. My wife doesn't talk in her sleep, but she does "wake up" and start talking without actually being awake. Makes for interesting though nonsensical conversations. Anyway. I've wondered how she'd react to semi-intense questionings during her out-of-mind times. Most likely she too would snap awake and scream...

Robert said...

The picture of you sitting side-by-side screaming at each other is priceless. No telling what your neighbors must have thought.

tinyhands said...

Just like the CIA, without the snuggling.

Lippy said...

That's like something you see in movies - but so much funnier! Oh dear, I shouldn't laugh, but... Hope it's a nice surprise :-)

Pookie65 said...

I am cracking up. You, my favorite Bad Aunt, are hysterical.

Wiccachicky said...

Brilliant. :)

Mike said...

That is hilarious.

crmj said...

Off topic, but I identified your other bird over on my blog. A humble offering for future use, here is a list of Japanese birds (there are lots of others) and here is a good on-line source of pictures
Not that I'm a geek, or anything.

kenju said...


Mr. kenju thinks it is great fun to get within 3" of my face and stare at me while I sleep, and the same thing usually happens when I awake - except he laughs while I am screaming. Sometimes I think I should sleep with a knife - a big knife.

Andaloo said...

That's very funny, but what's even funnier is the thought of you having to wait!

Badaunt said...


When are you going to update your blog?


Kim said...

Oh darling, lol, we are very much alike...