24

Tonight I watched the TV program "24" for the second time. (Is that really what it's called?) I saw it first a couple of weeks ago, well, half of it anyway, and last week missed it because I somehow blanked that channel. We have about four or five of remote controls with a million buttons on each of them labelled in tiny Japanese. I had picked up two at once and accidentally hit a button on one of them and didn't know which remote control or which button I'd hit. The screen went blank. By the time The Man came home and fixed it for me (by pushing another button, or perhaps the same one) the program had finished. Remote controls make me feel stupid.

Anyway, tonight I managed to watch an entire episode of "24", and enjoyed it just as much as I did the first time. It was really fun. I didn't have the foggiest idea what was going on, but I can tell you quite a lot about it anyway. Ignorance is no barrier to my infinite wisdom.

Here is what I can tell you:

1. Jake, no, Jack, is a Real Man. You can tell because he never smiles. He is always manly and deadly serious. People refer to him admiringly as a 'born killer.' He just happens to be on the right side. Many people don't realize this, however, so he is always on the run, either from the baddies or from people on his own side who have been led to understand that he is betraying them. He isn't, of course. He is saving the world. Why can't they SEE that?

2. Kate is a Real Woman, and also a Good Woman. You can tell because she always looks anxious and bewildered and never knows what is going on. She is probably terrifically intelligent but is in control of pretty well nothing. Well, she's a woman, isn't she? Her fate is in Jake's hands. Jack. Sorry. (It IS Jack, isn't it? Or is it Jake?) Kate is powerless. She is a pawn. Her role is to look anxious and to be used by both sides, and to be rescued by Jake (or Jack). Then it is her job to be grateful and traumatized.

3. There are some other women who are all sneaky and bitchy about each other, and therefore are also Real Women, only of the other sort. They are Bad, or at least Weak. I don't know who they are, actually, but you can tell they are Real Women. They are duplicitous and sly, spying on each other and telling tales. Men would never do such a thing, and neither would a Good Woman. Even the Bad Men have a code of honour, of sorts. Women don't, and that's why they are inferior and most things are their fault. (Except Kate, of course, who is powerless and therefore cannot be blamed for anything, although I fully expect her to blame herself when anything goes wrong.)

4. The President is a Good Man. You can tell because he is such a good judge of character. He believes in Jack (or Jake) when nobody else will. He knows that Jake (or Jack) is secretly saving the world, and that nobody else is to be trusted. People try to convince him otherwise, and he falters in his belief sometimes, but in the end he will be steadfast. And of course he will be right. That's why he is President and the others aren't. Also, people close to him will try to betray him, either because they are Bad or because they are trying to save him from Jake (or Jack) because they don't believe in Jack (or Jake) the way they should, but they will be wrong and the President will be right. And the world will be saved.

5. The Middle East is one place. You do not need to specify which country you are talking about. They're all the same anyway.

6. Anybody with an accent is instantly highly suspect and cannot be trusted. Some of them turn out to be all right after all, but that is just an accident of fate. They just happen to be on the right side because of something that happened to them to make them want to do the right thing. In other words, if they are on the right side it will be for the wrong reasons. They still can't be trusted. Accents are suspicious by default.

7. The world of "24" resembles the world of Enid Blyton in a lot of ways, especially Enid Blyton's Famous Five. There is more violence, and the good guys are American men rather than British children, and there is no dog (why is there no dog?), but the stakes are the same - keeping the Free World free and saving us from horrible foreigners.

8. The entire world of politics, bureaucracy, and business is teeming with conspiracies. Bad, rich, powerful people want to destroy everything so that they can get more money, or power, or both. Nobody is safe. It is only because of Jake (or Jack) that the world is not a nuclear wasteland. As long as Jack (or Jake) is around, it doesn't matter how rich or powerful the baddies are. They will lose. He always spots the Bad Guys, and will vacuum them up like an industrial strength vacuum cleaner. No speck of badness is safe from him. Well, one or two specks might trick him briefly and get away each week, but that's just so he can get them next week.

9. Jake (or Jack) is, of course, wracked with guilt and angst over all the dubious things he has to do to keep the world safe. This is why he never smiles. It is also why he will never get together with Kate. He will not want to sully such a pure and blameless woman, and not want to put her in danger, although he keeps getting her tangled up in it all anyway and then feeling guilty. But rather than leave the world without his protection, he will keep her at arm's length (kindly, of course), and suffer silently and alone, for all of us. That's just the kind of guy he is.

(Never mind how she feels.)

10. Jack (or Jake) might have brief affairs with Bad Women, but these affairs will never last. The women will deserve danger and abandonment, because they will be Bad, or at least Weak. It might not be obvious at first, but they will be. They will betray him and thus turn out to be conveniently disposable. Then they will probably die horribly. They might repent as they are dying, and he will be sad and manly and regretful about it, but we will know it was their own fault. Some of them will be so evil they won't even repent.

(I have to admit I have seen nothing that even suggests that anything like this has happened or will happen in the two shows I've seen, but I fully expect it to and will be disappointed if it doesn't.)

SUMMARY:
"24" is really, really fun to watch.


That's all. Feel free to add to this, and also to correct anything I've written above. I expect to be wildly wrong as far as facts go, although I think I've caught the spirit of the program. But be kind, please. Remember I have only seen it twice (once-and-a-half, really) and didn't understand what was going on either time.

Also, can someone tell me - did a bomb go off in L.A.? I think I missed that bit. Not that it really matters. If a bomb went off in L.A. then that just proves that L.A. people is full of bad, or at least disposable, people. If some good people got taken out that just gives Jake (or Jack) something else to not smile about. We can't have him cheering up.

That would spoil the show.