Sunday, September 05, 2004


Today wasn't very interesting, so I'll post some old stuff. The following is an email exchange I had with my brother last summer. The most annoying thing about this exchange is that his reply was so incomplete. He couldn't remember the first part of the incident at all. Of course he was about 4 years old at the time, so that might have something to do with it, but I'd still like to know how that dog got in there in the first place.

Badaunt to youngest brother

Hello, you slacker.

Yesterday the high was 38.4C and last night the temperature went barely below 30C (I refuse to call it a 'low') and so it's been hard to sleep. Instead I lie awake and mull over past injustices, and last night I'm afraid the topic of my mulling was you.

Do you remember one day I came home from school and found you in the back yard hiding behind the tree in the corner, with the pet sheep behind you, and a very ugly strange dog in front of the tree preventing you from escaping? And I, being brave and concerned for the safety of my little brother, told you that I'd distract the dog while you made a dash for it?

Well, I did just that, and you made the required dash (closely followed by the sheep), and the dog came after me instead. You raced out the gate, slammed it, and I was left running round and round in circles with that snarling, menacing dog after me, dripping froth and saliva. I yelled at you to get help, and you ran off.

But what I don't remember is you coming back, or anybody else, for that matter. Where did you go? All I remember is running and running, with that stupid dog at my heels, around and around and around until I was ready to drop. I couldn't make it to the gate and open it and get through without the dog catching up, so I didn't have any option but to keep running. It was a slow dog, but if I ran too fast it cut across and caught up with me, so I had to run slowly, in wide circles. It was nerve-wracking.

So what happened, eh? I want an explanation. Did you FORGET??? Did it slip your mind that your big, brave sister just happened to be running in circles in the back yard with a rabid dog snapping at her heels? Did you get distracted by something more interesting than the possibility of your sister being torn limb from limb? WHAT?

I want to know.

I remember what happened with the dog in the end, but WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? I was expecting, at least, the entire family to come to my rescue, and hoping for the fire department and a few handsome police officers.

But no, I had to rescue myself.


You never explained how the dog got in there in the first place. In fact you were suspiciously evasive on that point.

Please explain, or I won't be able to sleep tonight either.

Youngest brother to Badaunt

I honestly don't remember anything except you running around screaming your head off, and this big boxer lugging around behind with foam & saliva dripping from its saggy lips. I must have come back if I remember you screaming. There see, I'm not so bad.

I don't remember the first bit though. I always thought it was just a little thing between you and the dog. And oh, yeah I remember the end bit! You stopped, turned around and told it to SIT!! and it did! And then you both collapsed with exhaustion.

But hey thanks for saving my life! I'm sure I could have drowned in its saliva.

Your grateful little brother

Badaunt to youngest brother

How DARE you forget! Oh, the injustice. I'm hurt and astonished that you could forget something that had such a formative effect on my character. Thanks to you I'm still running around in circles.

But wait... if you saw the ending, that means you were there all the time! You didn't run to get help! I'm aghast. Horrified. You... you... you wanted to see me torn limb from limb?

How disappointing for you that my cunning strategy worked, and the dog sat. Ha! Serves you right for letting me down like that.

Actually, I think the dog was relieved. It was pretty tired by that point, and after I got the address from the tags on its collar I took it home. About halfway home (it was just around the block) it sat down, wheezing, and refused to go any further. It was knackered. It had been running in circles for a good twenty minutes at least, and wasn't a slim dog to begin with. I was knackered too, but I had to carry the damned thing. It was heavy. The alternative was to drag it home, and I worried about having to explain to the owners why I was returning their dog with a bleeding bum.

But how did the dog get in there in the first place? It was definitely your doing, not mine. I just got back from school and there you were, cornered by an apparently rabid dog.

Please try to remember. I want to sleep tonight.

Youngest brother to Badaunt

Sorry. My mind is a blank.

Badaunt to Youngest Brother

I knew that.


SithRat said...

Bless him - perhaps it's the male 'lack of memory' gene, y'know, the one that partners the 'hard of hearing' gene...Often M will sway between "I don't remember you telling me" and "I can't have heard you"...

Badaunt said...

I think he genuinely couldn't remember. Once I tried to embarrass him with stories about his childhood, but I got topped again and again as he remembered even more embarrassing ones, some of which I hadn't heard before. He has no pride, that boy.