Reds under the beds

I went to the doctor today. I have a couple of odd-looking freckles on my legs that didn't used to be there, and I wanted him to recommend a dermatologist. I don't think they are skin cancer, but I want to be sure. My dad had a small skin cancer removed from his forehead once.

My doctor looked at them and laughed.

"That's not skin cancer!" he said.

"I didn't think it was, really," I said. "But I would feel pretty stupid if I was wrong and I hadn't checked it."

I told him about my father, and he wrote me a referral letter to a dermatologist, who happens to be across the street.

"He used to be the director of the skin clinic at Keiritsu hospital," he said. "He's very good. Do you want the freckles removed?"

"No," I said.

"But he's VERY good with laser removal," he said. He seemed very keen for me to have them removed. He likes surgical procedures, as long as he doesn't have to do them himself. (He was horrified when he heard that the boob specialist had said he could aspirate my lumps for me. The way he backed into a corner with his hands up you'd think I'd suggested he perform open heart surgery.)

"It hadn't even occurred to me to have them removed," I said. "Do they look bad?"

"No," said the doctor. "But sometimes ladies worry about these things."

He dictated the letter to his secretary. Then he asked me how I'd got on with my new gynecologist. I explained that I hadn't used the one he recommended after all, because I went to the one my friend used. "She's very good," I said, "But I'll be going back to my old one next time. I found her!"

I told him where my old gynecologist was working now.

"That hospital!" said my doctor, alarmed. "I don't recommend it. They're all Communists!"

"Really?" I said. I hadn't suspected my doctor of being a reds-under-the-beds sort of guy.

"Yes!" he said. "They all belong to the Communist Party. The hospital gets their doctors straight from medical school, and the doctors don't get any other experience. So they're no good."

"They're ALL communists?" I asked.

"Ninety percent," he assured me. "And XXX hospital is also left wing. They're all Sociologists. Scientologists. You know. It's the same problem. The doctors aren't any good at those hospitals, so I can't recommend them."

I explained my gynecologist's background, and he was somewhat mollified.

"Just don't use that hospital for anything else," he told me sternly.

"I won't," I said.

The dermatologist is next. I'll probably see him on Friday.