Futon wars

I have complained about The Man's lizardly qualities before, most notably when the air conditioner wars get going every summer. I don't know whether I have mentioned the futon wars, however, which take place in winter.

We have a wonderful double top futon. You use one layer when the summer heat subsides and the nights start getting cooler, and then when it gets really cold you button on the other layer. WHEN to button the second layer on is the problem, for us. So far this autumn I have been perfectly comfortable with only one layer, but The Man has been complaining about the cold. I realized I would have to relent a couple of nights ago when it became obvious that he just wasn't warming up. I touched his arm sometime in the night and thought for a moment there was a corpse lying next to me, it was so cold. (I suppose it is possible that at some point he became a zombie without telling me, but I'm fairly sure I would have noticed. Aren't there other signs?)

We added the second layer of the futon yesterday. I don't know what we'll do when it really gets cold. More blankets, I suppose, but only on his side. I was pretty damned warm last night.

Well, I WAS pretty damned warm, at least, until at some point early this morning he turned to me affectionately (I thought) and snuggled up close. I said something, and he mumbled in reply and it was clear he was not awake. Then he pulled the top futon close around him, smiled, and turned over again, taking the entire futon with him.

It was a very neat operation, fast and totally efficient, and especially impressive because he didn't even wake up to do it. He just whisked it all away, quick as a flash, and I was left with no covering at all. It wasn't quite warm enough for that, and I sat up and stared at him, half admiring and half pissed off. He had become a great big cocoon with the entire, enormous, puffy, down-filled double-layered queen-sized futon so tightly tucked around him and held onto with so tight a grip it took me quite a while to edge enough back out to cover me. None of my tugging and cursing and laughing woke him up. It was amazing, really.

And it wasn't even cold last night. HE IS NOT NORMAL.