Fluffy bottoms

"Mum? What's the proper way to behave when you get head-butted by a carp?"


"You depart in a dignified manner, as quickly as possible."


"And you hope the carp doesn't follow because it's hard to be dignified with a carp's head up your bottom."


"I think we're safe now."


Hee hee! Fluffy bottoms!

Neighbour troubles

We have some new neighbours. We noticed them because they were so noisy. Every morning we could hear them gossiping and carrying on, from our window. They seem to comment on everything. We didn't mind, though, because they sounded cheerful. It is always good to have cheerful neighbours.

We thought they had children, but weren't sure.

Late yesterday afternoon, just after The Man had gone out, I heard voices outside the hallway window. The door from this room to the hallway was open, so I could hear them clearly. They were saying terrible things, swearing and shouting and yelling. They were using uncivilized language, dreadful cursing and carrying on, and it worried me.

But I ignored it at first. It will soon blow over, I thought. Don't get involved.

But it didn't stop. The shouting and cursing just got louder, and more insistent and angry. Finally, I went to the window to see what was going on.

Sure enough, our new neighbours were angry. In fact they were positively hysterical with rage. They were bouncing up and down along the power lines and shrieking curses at something below them.

"DON'T YOU DARE EAT OUR BABIES!" they were shouting.


At first I thought they were yelling at the woman next door. They were looking in that direction. Was she a baby-eater? I wondered. She had always seemed relatively harmless to me.

Our new neighbours didn't seem to think so, though.


I leaned out the window and looked down.

It was not the woman next door. It was her visitor, who I could not see clearly because the roof was in the way. Our new neighbours really objected to this visitor.


I wasn't entirely sure that this was an invited visitor, so I asked our new neighbours if they wanted me to help.

"Yes, please," they said. "We can't go home until he's gone. He'll see where our babies are, and eat them!"


I went outside.

"Are you invited?" I asked the cat. But the cat did not answer. As soon as I got close, he slunk away.

"He's going?" said one of the neighbours. "Yes! He's going!"


"AND DON'T COME BACK! OR ELSE!"


I went inside. Outside, all was quiet again.

The intruder had gone, and the neighbourhood was back to normal.

The missing keys

On Wednesday down at the little river, a crow was in the water. It was behaving rather oddly.

"What are you looking for?" I asked.


"My keys," said the crow. "They were RIGHT HERE, or at least around here somewhere. I'm SURE of it."


"Oh," I said.

"I will not give up until I find them because I know I am not mistaken," said the crow. "I LEFT THEM RIGHT HERE SOMEWHERE AND DON'T TELL ME TO STOP BECAUSE I KNOW THEY ARE HERE AND IF I LOOK FOR LONG ENOUGH I WILL FIND THEM."

"Oh," I said, again. I didn't know what else to say. The crow sounded almost dangerously obsessive.


"Found them!" said the crow triumphantly.


"That doesn't look like keys to me," I said.


"They're stuck to this leaf," explained the crow.


He took his find over to a nearby rock and put it down.


He gargled.


"Watch very carefully," he said. "I'm going to wash the leaf off, and you will be a witness to the magical moment when my keys appear from underneath."


He picked up the clump carefully.


Then he dipped it in the river.


The leaf was washed away.


"Eh? This isn't my keys!" he said.


"Quite tasty, though," he added.


He went off to resume his hunt for the keys.

"All right, that wasn't them after all," he said. "BUT I KNOW THEY ARE AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE!"


He didn't seem to mind getting into quite deep water.


"I MIGHT have dropped them out here," he said. "I flew over here earlier today."


After a while another crow came along to help.


A gull came and asked them what they were looking for.


"Keys," said the first crow, shortly.

"Oh," said the gull. "I don't suppose you want this, then."

"Well, actually – " said the crow, but it was too late. The gull swallowed.


Another gull came came to see what was going on.

"Aren't you going to help?" asked the crows.


"No," said the gulls. "We'd rather watch."


It looked like it was going to be one of those stories that never end, so I went to work.

Herding the cat

"Everybody! Remember what I told you. Look innocent.
The idea is to let him think that HE'S chasing US. "

"And when we get to the end, we hang around just out of reach, looking innocent AND tasty. "

"And then, while we're looking innocent and tasty, he jumps. Like this. Ha ha ha!"

"Ooh, it'll be so funny!"

"Shhh! Look innocent!"

"Here he comes!"

"Try to look tasty."

"Hee hee hee!"

"Shhhh!"

"Hee hee hee!"

"Stop giggling!"

"Damn. It didn't work. Now what?"

"We go back and try it again, at the other end."

"This is weird."

"I'm feeling kind of . . . spooked."

"I don't get it."

"I mean, I'm the cat, right? I'm chasing them, right? So why were they BEHIND me?"

"Something feels wrong. And I'm sure I heard a giggle."

"Are they still there? I'm afraid to look."

"Ah. Good. My secret escape tunnel."

"What am I saying? I don't need to escape! I mean, the place I go to plot my next attack on those cowardly ducks."

"It's your fault! You didn't look tasty enough."

"Nonsense! It was you. You shouldn't have giggled."

"Cats can't stand it when you giggle. It makes them nervous."