Wednesday, April 27, 2011

An explanation, of sorts

Two and a half years ago The Man was diagnosed with cancer. When I asked him if I could blog about it, he asked me not to.

I have honoured that request, and will continue to do so. I will not write about his illness. When I write about him, I will write about the happy, strong times, which is what he wanted me to remember.

He died last September.

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A few years ago he and I were sitting here in our room, both working at our computers, and we were silent for a very long time, concentrating on our different tasks. In a pause, while I was thinking about whatever it was I was doing, I found myself staring at him and feeling ridiculously comfortable and happy. I spoke without thinking.

"I love being with you," I told him. "It's just like being alone."

As soon as I said it I wished I had thought before speaking. It sounded wrong, and could have been taken the wrong way. But I needn't have worried. He smiled. He understood exactly what I meant.

But we were both wrong. Being alone is not the same. i am regaining my equilibrium now, but it is taking time.

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This is the hardest blog post I have ever written.

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I will stop writing on this blog now, although I will keep it open, at least for now. (How else can I remember my life if I don't have written records? I have a rubbish memory!) But at some point – soon – I will start another one for this new stage in my life. I will let you know when I do, and I intend it to be soon. He made me promise to keep writing. It was the only thing he he wanted me to promise, in the end. He thought it was important. I know it made him happy. He liked to read it.

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In the meantime, do buy Quakebook. Even if you are not interested in reading it, think of it as a small donation that means a lot, for all the people who lost the people and places they loved in the earthquake and tsunami, and who are still struggling to deal with their loss. They lost a lot more than I did. They lost loved ones and homes and jobs and neighborhoods and towns. They are still suffering terribly. They are not in the media so much now, but that doesn't mean they are not still there, still suffering. They do not want to be victims. They want to have ordinary lives. It will take them a long time, but you can help them to get there.

We had time to say goodbye. They did not. I cannot imagine the pain of that.

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That's all for now. I'm not sure if it's a threat or a promise, but I will be back soon!

24 comments:

Kay said...

My heart is all with you. I didn't know. I've missed present simple so much. I hope life blooms for you again and I love the "I love being with you. It is like being alone." Several married women friends with happy marriages and spouses who don't get in the way have said they cannot write/paint/work when he is in the house. They love him, but somehow alone is better for production. Good for you that you had something more!!

Kay said...

I am glad you are leaving this blog open. My Guillain-Barré kept me from keeping up for the last year--now I can go back and read as if it were all new.

kenju said...

I hope it is a promise. I have missed you - and now I understand why you stopped blogging. It is hard to be lighthearted and cheerful when all around you is crumbling. I am sorry for your loss, but happy that you will be back. Please don't fail to let me know when you do.

sarahmaline said...

I am so very, very sorry for your loss. One always hopes that when a favorite voice stops blogging that they are just incredibly busy with happy things, but that's sometimes not the case, and sometimes we never know. I have missed your voice, and I'm so glad you're back.

Violet said...

I'm so sorry about your loss; it sounds like your relationship was one of those rare soulmate ones.
I have enjoyed your blog and hope you do keep writing.

Hana said...

Oh...so sad! I'm so sorry to hear that. But glad you are back. Take care.

torrygirl said...

Oh Badaunt, I'm so sorry to hear about The Man.

Like everyone else, I've missed your writing and i'm glad you've made the decision to keep on with it.

Thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

I am at a loss for words. I just want to thank you for sharing and tell you I will be looking forward to the next blog.

Doris said...

Tears. From me. You must have shed so many. I can not imagine how alone it feels without him. And the process of passing is not easy too.

My grandmother lost her husband of 60 years - she says it did get better after more and more time passed and she cried less. She made a new life and enjoyed it for the time she had remaining.

Live on and write on.

Love and hugs
Dx

Chapel Hill Fiddler said...

I cried for you when I read this. I miss you, too. You are a marvelous writer and I hope it can be a good distraction for you at some point. I loved the way you wrote about The Man and your life with him. It must make for wonderful memories. Peace be with you.

Carrie said...

I've so often thought of you and wondered what was going on. I never imagined this. I am so sorry for your loss. You always made The Man sound like a really wonderful person. I am crying for you as I type this.

Jen said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. May you find peace in your memories. We look forward to hearing from you again in the future.

tinyhands said...

My dearest Theic (as I will always remember you) ... I am so sorry for your loss and hope you find every comfort the world has to offer you. I have always enjoyed your (virtual) company and look forward to your future stories.

Thursday said...

I recently heard someone on the radio say that since their husband had died, some 20 years ago, "there were lots of people to do *something* with but nobody to do *nothing* with". Your quip about "like being alone" reminds me of this.
I just clicked through a link and arrived here for the first time. I caught my breath when I read your post, then looked at My Man. I'm sorry.

Cristina said...

Badaunt, I have been missing you and wondering about your long silence, hoping that you and The Man were okay through the horrible disasters in Japan.

I cried when I read your post today and am very sorry for your loss.

Know that you are in my thoughts. I hope you will be able to continue writing and taking pictures soon.
Cristina, Clearwater, FL

fallensnow said...

Badaunt, I'm so sorry for your loss. I read this awhile ago but didn't quite know what to say, cause I knew that no ones from anyone can make it any better.
But I just want to let you know that I'm very glad that you are safe and sound.
I'm keeping you in my thoughts and wish to read you again soon.

Sheweevil said...

Bad Aunt, so very sorry

RK said...

I am so sorry for your loss Badaunt.

underhill said...

My deepest condolences Badaunt. I lost my dad, due to cancer to.

kenju said...

Don't forget to let me know when you come back. I miss you.

Badaunt said...

I've started the new blog, here:

http://congregatingindoorways.blogspot.com/

Bare bones, at present, but I'll be adding things as I go.

Also, I'll be making this one password protected, eventually, so if you want to be able to read the archives let me know and I'll send you the password.

Marta said...

please send me the password.

Keera Ann Fox said...

I haven't been keeping up but when I saw your comment on my own blog today, I came here. And what sad news. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I do hope you come back at some point. I have always enjoyed your writing and your experiences with life in a foreign country.

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